You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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