Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
