If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
