I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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