tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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