Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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