There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
