So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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