He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
