I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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