I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
