Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
