Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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