also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize