I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
