I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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