You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
