I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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