You just made me feel so damn special
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
