i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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