What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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