Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
