someone threw a dead crab at me
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
