why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You took a bar mat shot.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
