your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
