I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
