I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
