We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
