I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
