i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
last night I used snow as a chaser
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
