i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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