please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You dont lie about slip and slides
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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