I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
