My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
