I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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