The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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