Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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