Don't make out with my wife yet
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
