and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
