turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
