Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
