I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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