The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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