i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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