Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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