the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
