I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
