Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
