i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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