He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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