I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
did you just send me my own nude
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
