Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
