i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
