My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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