can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
