Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
