Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
