gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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