I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it glows. i had to have it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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