he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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