I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
