the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
