2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
