is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
