i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
