This is not my ceiling
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
