they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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