You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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