4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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