Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
