I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
