I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
